“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
OK, I know this passage is addressing husbands, but I think it’s possibly the most important message in the Bible for single men. There is great wisdom to be gleaned from this verse on how to understand women and navigate relationships with us in an honorable way.
So this piece had to be written.
If you are a single guy who is following Jesus, we assume you know certain ‘rules of the game’ and are going to play by them. We do understand that you are a flawed human being just like us and probably don’t mistreat us on purpose. We also know that there is no such thing as a relationship without risk.
1. Don’t underestimate your leadership role.
I think I speak on behalf of all women who love the Lord when I say our number one desire in a man is that he can and will lead us spiritually. If we allow ourselves to get involved with a man who isn’t a believer, than we are agreeing upfront to not have any of the following expectations. If he doesn’t share Christ’s heart, we cannot expect him to love us or treat us in a Christ-like manner. That said, many of us who have established that submission to Christ is a ‘non-negotiable’ in a potential mate still find ourselves reeling in insecurity because of the way we are being led by Christian men. Guys, we want to let you lead us, but part of your responsibility in that is creating an environment where we feel safe to be led and to respond to you. When you mislead, it hurts us and causes us to distrust men and God.
2. Don’t single us out unless you want a singular relationship with us.
3. Don’t leave us guessing about your intentions. Imagine our female brains like a pie chart. When we don’t know where we stand in relationships, a large portion of the pie is consumed with trying to figure this out, leaving much less room for all the other important things in our lives. At each stage of the game, even if it seems awkward, we really want to know where we stand with you. It’s really ok to tell us, ‘I don’t plan to get married’ or ‘I am exploring a relationship with someone else right now’ or ‘I’m very interested in you and really want to take our friendship to the next level.’ Please make sure your words and your actions are consistent with your intentions.
4. Don’t lead us to a place of intimacy if you have no intention of making us your wife. We know it’s not ok to go to a place of physical intimacy with you outside of marriage. But guys, when you flirt or ‘connect’ with us on levels that are emotionally and romantically intimate, you are still putting our hearts at great risk. Because God wired us to want that even more than s*x, it’s nearly impossible for us not to respond to it. And how we usually respond is by giving you access to the deepest places in our heart that should be reserved exclusively for our husband. When we discover, especially later in the game, that you never had any intentions of putting yourself in that role, it can cause us significant grief. Remember, if it is gratifying to you but costly to us, it is never Christ-like.
5. Don’t dishonor us by ‘keeping your options open’.
Guys, nothing makes a woman feel more common or ordinary than to discover she is just one of many options you are pursuing. On the other hand, nothing makes a woman feel more honored than knowing you have eyes only for her and are committed to loving her with everything you’ve got. The fact that you have kept yourself away from physical, emotional, and even visual entanglements with other women so you can offer her the special gift of your WHOLE self allows her to rest in this security: that if you were faithful to her before you even met, then you really can be trusted to be faithful once you are married.
Guys, God knows you get bombarded daily with temptation. Many of you live alone and long for companionship. If you’re a single dad, you may be away from your kids a lot too, which makes it even harder. And you’re probably not thrilled about having to do your own laundry and dishes. Not to mention the physical urges. Part of you probably feels entitled to go find a woman and use her at some level to ‘take the edge off.’ You think no one understands. But Jesus does. He lived on his own as a man and was somehow able to keep himself pure, never violating a woman physically or emotionally, always intent on taking on the role of her protector and leading her in a way that would make her feel safe and bring out the best in her.
Could women say this is true of you? If not, don’t beat yourself up. The whole purpose of a heart check is to admit where you fail and let God correct you. Even if you’ve blown it up to this point, the good news is, your past does not have to disqualify you from this vision. On this side of the cross, through grace, we are all declared pure and are capable of having a relationship with one mate that is faithful and true and marked by honor. But it will not come without sacrifice. Are you willing to deny yourself the pleasures of careless flirting or ‘befriending’ attractive girls? Will you say a decisive no to all the sexual gratification options that the world is ambushing you with and wait, possibly years, just to prove to one woman (who you may or may not have met yet) that you are trustworthy and true? Will you really ‘lay down your life’ and your own needs to honor hers?
Only if you want an amazing marriage one day where your wife trusts you so much she holds nothing back in the way she gives herself to you in and out of the bedroom. Only if you want your prayers to be heard and answered by God in an unstoppable way!
[written by Dawn VanderWerf]
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